Do you allow anyone to hold keys to your heart? There are sayings about who holds the key to your heart, and allowing a person or people into your heart after your heart has been broke, after your safety has been joepardized, after love has been lost.....is not an easy feat.

We all have relationships in our lives; family, friends, friends you are closer to than others, co-workers, church people, clubs, socio-economic groups, racial groups, etc..... We all have multiple people in our lives.

Allowing people the keys to your heart after feeling pain, hurt, anger, loss, abandonment, betrayal, or anything else...is not an easy thing.

The feelings that we just me turned can fill up the key hole on your heart, so that no one, anyone, can hold a key to it.

I think that we all have multiple keys to our hearts. Our partner if we have one will hold a different key than a best friend would hold, and thy being different than the key that a family member holds.

It took me a long time to empty my key lock. Took a long time of soul searching and reliving I years of anise for me to be able to allow myself to give my keys away.

When I came to the realization that the words and actions of my abuser-were just that, words and actions---those things do not and will not define me. I deserve, as everyone else does, to have healthy-great relationships and I am allowed to be loved.

I realized its okay tourist, not everyone is like my sperm donor. Not everyone is out for their own purpose and for their own needs. People really do care and its okay to let them care about me.

I realized I am worthwhile, I am smart, I am worthy of others love and companionship, I am worthy of others time. I can allow people in my life and to be able to deeply connect with them because I am safe.

Not anyone person in my life, fills the key lock fully, it's like the keys are a puzzle...it takes many people and many keys to complete - this thing we call life.

It takes love, companionship, care, sentiment, time, Emotion, and many other qualities from many to make a full and complete life.

Something else I had to come to realization about, during the healing process, is my happiness is mine to own. I love to do for people, one of my passions, but if they don't react or seem as appreciative as I think they should, I realized, I am happy because I did what I felt right, and in te end that is what matters. I am in charge of my own happiness.

So to you all who are struggling--search deeps and see if you are allowing anyone to hold the keys to your heart. You are worthy of love, companionship, and care. So open that lock up and let those whom are important fill up the hole.

And rembwr friendships and relationships go both ways, foster them, care back, love first, do first, be who you want those in your life to be to you.

Praying for lives to be changed.
-P

So...measuring up....no I didn't say measuring cup, I said measuring up. This is a tough topic, was actually talking to a good friend tonight about measuring up.

As survivors of child sexual abuse, expecially at the hands of a parent, you really feel like you are never good enough.  They want you to feel inferior to them and will tell you things like you aren't worthy of someone to love you, you will never be skinny enough, you will never get married, you are ugy to everyone, but me. 

It is amazing how these thoughts, the words that are spoken by those that are suppose to protest us, by those that are our parents, our supporters, our protection...but they are hurting us behind closed doors...they are hurting us not only with their hands and other parts of their body, but with their words--words that pierce and stay and hurt and continue to rise up and taken control of our minds and our hearts as the days go on.

My abuser did.  He told me I was fat, I wasn't going to amount to anything, that he was the only person that could ever love me, that I was broken and no one would want me to now -- and the list goes on to the negative nasty things that he would say.

Words that pierce and continue to pierce over and over and over again as the years go on. 

But in reality those words that your offender said, those words that a parent or someone you care about said to you, really mean nothing but a way for them to control you.  And as you continue on in your life and allowing the words that were said back then or yesterday or whenever to impact your daily movement, your daily actions, your daily thoughts....your happiness or your sadness -- is a disservice to you as a person.

Those controlling statements, thoughts, and words -- saying you don't measure up are so wrong.  You can overcome those words....those words that make you feel anything other than great.  Because they came from places that were dark and unhealthy. 

Remembering that you are amazing, you are worthy of love and especially loving yourself...

Sometimes life throws us curves that we aren't planning on -- no one plans on the negative, nasty, uncomfortable, stuff that happens....but its life....taking what happens to us and controlling how we allow those things to impact our lives, day in and day out....is what we can control.....HOW WILL YOU USE WHAT HAS HAPPENED - to impact in a good way.

You can now control it all.....you have the power and you are worth.

YOU MEASURE UP!!

Praying for lives to be changed.
-P

Over a year ago I started this blog, there is a mentor in my life that pushed me to what I thought my limits were, she would tell me over and over that I had a story to share and people to impact.  All I could think as I heard this time and time again, was I am broken.  How can I help anyone?  I am broken!!  And to be very candid -- there are days that I still feel very broken, feel very alone, feel very lost.

There are days when I question my self-worth, when I question what my value is,, where I question what my mission here is on this planet.  There are times I say to God -- "how did you allow what happened to me....to a child???"

OH yes I have the poor me times, sometimes often. Sometimes just wondering how I am going to make it through to the next day.

After the talk with my mentor.....I remember thinking for hours how unfair it was that I was broken and it wasn't my fault....I played the poor me, I thought about how lonely I was, even through I was around people all the time I thought about what life had done to me.

Then a another key person in my life said....."life didn't do anything to you....he did--What are you going to do about it?"

Those words went straight to my heart.  She was right, life hadn't done anything to me, God hadn't done anything to me.  HE had done it all.  What was I going to do with this experience now that it was over?  What was I going to do with my broken self so that I could heal and help others during their journey?

Well here we are a year and half later.  I am definitely in a better space, but there are days. My stuff is difficult for me and your stuff is difficult to you.  When you face a trauma, abuse, breakup, or other major thing in your life -- it will impact each of us differently.

I am just rambling on here....but I guess what I want you to know is whatever you are going through, whatever the season you are in, whatever the moment you are feeling, whatever pain, happiness, life moments -- they are yours - take them as a gift - no matter how difficult and use them to help yourself and others. 

This thing called life isn't easy, isn't always peachy and fun, and by no means simple.....but it sure is an adventure and one heck of a ride.

What are you going to do with what you have been handed today?  What are you doing with the past?  What are you doing with your future -- and WHOM WILL YOU HELP when its all said and done?

Praying for lives to be changed....

with love, -P

Thought I would share my all time favorite post!

http://www.myultimateforgiveness.com/1/post/2011/12/memories-come-from-behind.html

Emotions are funny thing.  They can completely catch you off guard, when you least expect it -- emotions can come out of nowhere.  Could be feelings about past events or about something currently going on.  Could be emotions about a person that you care about, someone that you hate, or someone that has done you wrong.  Any event, person, or thing can trigger emotions in us, when we least expect them.

When we are passionate - emotions can get the better of us.  We can be passionate about a person we love and/or care about, our children, our family, our friends, work, school, or just life in general.  What we do with those emotions, though is completely and utterly up to us.

I will be honest this isn't an easy thing for me.  Emotions come and go about all types of topics...and making a concious decision on which emotion wave I am going to ride is tough.  There are times I am overwhelmed with gladness -- those are pretty easy times to ride, but there are times when I am overcome with sadness or worry or heartache.  Those are the times I need to do better at making a concious decision of what emotional wave I want to ride.

People that you love and care about - can easily draw out in you many emotions, but how they impact you - is totally your decision and we own how we allow those emotions to impact us.

That of course is easier said than done.  So how do we get there, how do we decide what we allow to impact us versus what we keep out of heads and our hearts?  Good question, I am sure there is some doctoral thesis written up on how to not allow your emotions to get the better of you.

What I have found is I have to first acknowledge the emotion that I am experieincing and then I ask myself if what this is about is going to impact me in 10 minutes?  10 days?  10 years?  If the answer is no to all of the above, I have to release that emotion from my head.  And yes this too is easier said than done.  The emotion of fear for instance -- it might be done with and over with and rationally we know that there is no longer anything to fear, but the emotion is still real and alive in our heads.

How about the emotion of love?  You can tell your head that you can't feel that emotion, but your heart has other ideas.  When it comes to your children, no matter what they have done - your head might say you need to walk away, but no matter what your heart won't allow you to do that.  Loving someone at one time, but now having moved on - your head knows your doing the right thing, but does that stop your heart from feeling the emotion of love towards that person.

What about your abuser, the teacher that told you-you would amount to nothing, the boss that belittled you in front of a crowd, the friend that took advantage of you, the person that never tells you that they care or that you are loved -- all of these emotions are real -- they are alive, but won't help you get through your days -- they will actually impact your ability to love, to care, to work, to be productive in your future.

Select the wave that you want to ride, pick the waves that are going to help take you to the top and make you a better person and even more so impacting those around you in a good and positive way.

This thing called life is by no means easy -- trust me....but with tools and others sharing their experiences -- we can make it through.  Thank you to all of you who have emailed -- I have learned so much from each and every one of you!

We are in this together!

Praying for lives to be changed
With love,
-P