So I started and restarted this blog multiple times tonight.  Wanting to put together my thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the day, but I can seem to get it together.  No matter how I started, it just wasn't coming out right.

So ... decided to share some words that express my today--my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions, and will be sharing these in pictures (words included).  

To my survivor friends...I am sure that you have all felt these at some point or another and sometimes just getting it out of you mind, off your chest, and out of your heart....will give you the ability to get to the next day.

Praying for lives to be changed. 
Love you all, -P

Life throws us interesting curve balls, doesn't it? 
So this week was a culmination of the entire year.  Wednesday (yesterday) I had to have knee surgery.  It was a very common procedure for the doctors and nurses, every Weds. of every week this Orthopedic doctor does these types of surgeries.  My particular problem was the inside meniscus had a bucket handle tear, I have torn my ACL, and then they ended up having trim and smooth the bone.  Routine to them, not so routine to me. 

I realized I had been downplaying the surgery, till yesterday morning, when it hit me that I was a bit more nervous that I would ever let on.  All the procedures I have been through over the years I have never been put to sleep.  I might not have thought twice about it, but a dear friend several years ago went in for a routine procedure in England, she ended up with complications between the anesthesia and her diabetes.  She didn't make it throuh that routine procedure.  And that really hit me that morning. 

I started to think about everything that I wanted to say to everyone that I love, to all the people in my life that impact me daily and those that aren't so daily.  I wanted to tell everyone how I feel and what is deep down in my heart and soul.  I started to write a letter before going to the hospital, but of course didn't finish it.  I made it through the surgery fine, but today to solidify what I was feeling yesterday, a song came on while I was icing my knee.

A song by The Afters, "Say it Now". Here are the lyrics:
"Say it now, I hope we find a way, To say it now, don't be afraid
To say it now, everything we're keeping inside, Don't wait just let your heart speak
Don't waste another heart beat, Cause we'll never know, Until we let it out, let it out........Say it say it now, Say it say it now"

So tonight, I want to SAY IT NOW:
Thank you to my family for being consistent and supportive through all my craziness, this blog and finding my voice-I love you!
Thank you to my boys for showing me how to enjoy each and every minute of everyday.
Thank you to all the new poeple in my life this year....bringing so many different things into my life, and views.
Thank you to the old friends that are always there and never fail---thank you from this crazy friend!!
Thank you to the special people who have touched my heart and my life this year-- you are amazing!
Thank you to my dear friend who said this today: "I haven't said it enough, but I am so glad to have you in my life"
Thank you to another dear friend that said this today: "Thank you!  I love you so much!"
Thank you for the experiences this year, the fun and the adventures, thank you for opening my eyes, thank you for allowing me to love people--thank you for all the opportunities to do that.

Thank you to 10,000 Hearts, Dwight Clark Fund, Ming Xu, and anything that I missed that has taught me so much!

I love you all and am so thankful to have each and everyone of you in my life.  What a blessed life I live!

Here is to 2012....no regrets, nothing but prosperity, love and happiness to you all!!  Follow your dreams and never take NO for an answer.  And find YOUR VOICE and SAY IT NOW, you never know when it will be too late!

And to you Lorraine...we lost due to anesthesia...I will never forget you and every time I see Mt. Rainier out and I will forever hear you saying "Mt. Rainier, out in all it's glory".  Thank you for that!

Praying for lives to be changed!

with love, -P

I am not going to blog about anything related to abuse today….I wanted to share with you a story of love. 

Our family held off on our family Christmas till the 26th, yesterday, due to work schedules and such.  We enjoyed preparing yesterday morning for the family event.

During wrapping and prepping of the food, my oldest asked for an empty box.  Jaycob is 11, so who knows what the box was for and I didn’t ask questions.  He asked his dad as well, since he knew where the empty boxes were.  Aaron admitted late last night that he almost discouraged him from getting a box, then deciding that it was just a box and what did it matter, he directed him to the boxes.

Jaycob disappeared into the back of the house with his box.  Really didn’t think about the box from then on.  I packed up the food and headed out ahead of Aaron and the boys.  They loaded presents and met me at my Mother’s for the family event.

Everyone was in attendance and opening presents.  We were getting some lunch and Jaycob asked everyone to come around and that he had a present for everyone.  Jaycob is our 11 year old.  He is very sensitive, quiet, not a hugger, and rarely is lovey – dovey.   He is a first child and is very worried about rules and doing the right thing.

Jaycob brought this box out to the middle of the room and said that this present was for everyone.  The box said “To EVERYONE”, “From: Jaycob”.   Everyone in the room had quite the puzzled look on their faces.  He handed the box to Aaron (his dad) first.  Aaron opened the package and instantly had this proud look on his face.  The comments continued to ensue as the box made it around the room.

“Wow”, “How wonderful”, “Oh My!”, How Sweet!”, “What a wonderful idea!”….”Where did you ever think of this??”  There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.  Jaycob had done it; he put everyone in awe with a complete surprise. 

He had folded a strip of paper and taped it to the bottom of the box.  Then to the end of that strip he taped a paper cut heart that simply said “LOVE” on the end of it.  There was no expensive present, no wrapping paper around the box, nothing glimmery, shiny, or fancy.  Simply one word in a unique delivery, that took everyone off guard. 

And if you ask anyone that was there what their favorite present was…that box comes up, even from his little 7 year old brother.

My point in sharing this story is, I think many realized in this yesterday is that money can’t buy love.  Love is love….whether it is in actions, words, an empty box, a smile, a text message, an email….love is thinking about others---thoughtfulness, thinking of someone other than yourself in some fashion.  This is nothing that money can buy. 

How can you show you care?  How do you show your love?  Next time you need a way….think of the empty box.  YOU TOO CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!  Just like this 11 year old boy---think outside, or wait….maybe inside the box ;)

Praying for lives to be changed!

There are days when all of the abuse, the intrusions to my sleep, the loss of childhood fun, the stalking, the control....all seem to be a thing of the past...like maybe it never happened.  Have you ever had then when you go on a fabulous trip and then when you get home, you stop and think, "WOW, did that really happen?" 

Have you ever been through a fabulous season in life....then for it to be over and life to have moved on....with everything about it in the past...

That is the way the abuse is in my mind some days.  Last week was one of those times...where all of it seems so surreal, like I never really lived in that time, I never went through any of it, that my biological father could have never done anything like that to his blood child. 

Then there are times like now, right this moment...when the memories are so vivid, so real, so NOW.  Its interesting I went through so many types of therapy and one stood out, Rapid Eye Movement therapy.  I remember the counselor saying, "Watch my fingers as they move back and forth...and tell me about your life from as far back as you can remember, as though you were on a train." 

That was a pivotal moment in my healing....I remember thinking that I was going to be so different that everything that happened to me will be a thing of the past.  That the games that he played never happened, that he never locked me in the van hidden on a back street and had his way with me....thinking--"Yippeeeee, I can pretend like none of that happened...the train trip through life will make it all go away."

This is true most of the time, most of the days and nights, I can just access the memories when I want...but what I want all of you who are struggling forgiving and being to live and love again...is that there are days when the memories are going to be so vivid, like it is happening right now...right here...they will be so vivid that you might really be unnerved I know that it happens to me and today is one of those days. 

There are going to be moments when something triggers a memory that you have no control over......trigger for me to day?  Seeing a man today that had all the looks and characteristics of my biological father.  Could it have been him?  Sure it could have, he only lives a few hours away and where I was could have been totally possible.  His mannerisms were so real, so identical...and his looks---just like the crime victims picture I was sent a few years ago.  I walked over just to check, I don't believe that it was him, but what I do know is that my heart was in my throat, my hands were sweaty and I quickly gathered my children just in case.  Today was a stirring reminder....not only that he could be in a public place the same time as me, but that those memories are still at the surface in some degree. 

What today did to me was bring me back to the reality that....all of those horrific, terrible, scary moments did happen.  And the heart pouding anxiety that I felt today....made all of those memories real....almost too real.

My forgiveness, healing, finding of my voice, and moving into my life as it exists today....doesn't change the fact that any of it happened....just enables me to have a life and LOVE PEOPLE!

Don't give up....keep fighting to FIND YOUR VOICE and your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS, because every day is definitely a battle, but definitely worth fighting for!

Praying for lives to be changed....
love you all.

-P