It's been twenty-one years, doesn't feel like 2-1 years...there are times when everything that happened feels so far away, that I wonder if it really happened and then there are times when it feels so real, as though it was only yesterday.
Today, a great conversation regarding grief and all the different types of grief that are out there. Losses of parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles or anyone else that you care about. I have been thinking about grief of a parent - somewhat by choice. Although my biological father is alive and well in his new life, the reality of the abuse that we suffered at his hands, that idea that this was real and our reality (my brother and I) for the majority of our childhood...doesn't dismiss the fact that we lost our "father".
I am going to jump around...March 26th, 2014...I lost my mother to lung cancer, after a hard 9 month fight. That grief of losing the only parent that was left, of losing the woman that had been through so much with us, losing the woman that meant everything to my children...that grief was deafening. I always imagined grief being the death of the person that you cared about - and then an explosion, a big massive freeze in time. I imagined...that the world would stand still while I worked my way through whatever this death was doing to my world. The implosion of my mind, of my heart, of my life.
As I have been thinking more about the loss of my mother and comparing it in my head to the loss and grief that I experienced with my biological father...I realized that although very different, many similarities.
I remember being sad...I remember feeling lost, feeling why my...feeling emotions all over the board. The grief of losing someone you should care about - a parent that should have protected you and loved you and cared for you. That grief is so unlike other grief, but yet the same. The "why me" and the anger...is overwhelming. This was very similar to the grief with my mothers death.
I have had to remind myself...to remember, that I didn't do anything wrong in either situation. The losses although different, have impacted my life beyond measure. I learned that there was nothing I could do to change either situation or to reverse any of the tape. This is life.
Feel what you have to feel, say what you have to say...listen to your heart and your mind and your soul. Grief, never goes away (even after 21 years...). Grief can come in the form of a card, a tv commercial, a holiday, a motion, a butterfly, shoes hanging on a telephone wire, a picture, a text, a phone call. Grief, its around us - how we approach it and what we do with it, is ours to own.
This is life. xoxo
Today, a great conversation regarding grief and all the different types of grief that are out there. Losses of parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles or anyone else that you care about. I have been thinking about grief of a parent - somewhat by choice. Although my biological father is alive and well in his new life, the reality of the abuse that we suffered at his hands, that idea that this was real and our reality (my brother and I) for the majority of our childhood...doesn't dismiss the fact that we lost our "father".
I am going to jump around...March 26th, 2014...I lost my mother to lung cancer, after a hard 9 month fight. That grief of losing the only parent that was left, of losing the woman that had been through so much with us, losing the woman that meant everything to my children...that grief was deafening. I always imagined grief being the death of the person that you cared about - and then an explosion, a big massive freeze in time. I imagined...that the world would stand still while I worked my way through whatever this death was doing to my world. The implosion of my mind, of my heart, of my life.
As I have been thinking more about the loss of my mother and comparing it in my head to the loss and grief that I experienced with my biological father...I realized that although very different, many similarities.
I remember being sad...I remember feeling lost, feeling why my...feeling emotions all over the board. The grief of losing someone you should care about - a parent that should have protected you and loved you and cared for you. That grief is so unlike other grief, but yet the same. The "why me" and the anger...is overwhelming. This was very similar to the grief with my mothers death.
I have had to remind myself...to remember, that I didn't do anything wrong in either situation. The losses although different, have impacted my life beyond measure. I learned that there was nothing I could do to change either situation or to reverse any of the tape. This is life.
Feel what you have to feel, say what you have to say...listen to your heart and your mind and your soul. Grief, never goes away (even after 21 years...). Grief can come in the form of a card, a tv commercial, a holiday, a motion, a butterfly, shoes hanging on a telephone wire, a picture, a text, a phone call. Grief, its around us - how we approach it and what we do with it, is ours to own.
This is life. xoxo
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