Since I started back blogging this past week, after some time off, I have dove into some topics that I really hadn't given the full picture.  

Child abuse like many other things in our lives is a tough topic to discuss, like drug addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders and all the other topics that we worry, that when we are vulnerable and share the realities of our lives, that someone somewhere will ask questions we can't answer or will criticize or think differently of us than they have.

This past week, I have been received many private messages and some public comments.  I have been asked, "How did your mother not know?", "Has your faith gotten you through?", "You look so normal!" and many more.  One that stood out to me this week, is "You look so normal."

What exactly does that mean?  I really contemplated this statement.  This was written in a message with many other sentences, but this line stood out to me.  I look so normal?  I was slightly stumped.  I was trying to imagine what "normal" looks like.

My hair is shorter - highlighted light on dark and a bit spikey, My right arm is covered in tattoos, that hang below my sleeve (and some others), I have a nose ring and I don't like dresses and skirts.  I am a supervisor for a public agency, but most wouldn't know it.  I have an associates degree that took me 7 years to get and the bachelor's may never finish.  Normal?  Hmmmmm

Not sure what looking so normal, truly means.  On Facebook most of us put out best selves out there, most of us show the best of the best and the happiest of the happy times.  

When was the last time someone posted - "today sucked, I gained 20 lbs, I hit a parked car, I drank too much, and my anxiety got the better of me."  Its been a while, I am sure.  We all want to put our normal best selves out to the world.

Glennon Doyle Melton has been challenging everyone - especially women to put their truest honest selves out there.  How do we break the barriers down and let people see inside our spirits and our hearts?

The reality of my normal...I was raped from a very young age, my biological father treated me as though I was his lover and not his daughter, my brother struggled so much the he lived on the street, did drugs, had some assault charges, drugs and stolen property charges over the years. 

I cared for my mother - and sometimes had to remind my self I was the daughter.  She was amazing - and fought hard.  I was taught from a young age how to act, how to be the best damn actress anyone would ever meet.  It was inherent in my life to scan the horizon and assure that my words didn't hurt anyone, even if that meant keeping the truth hidden deeply away.  I would have full conversations with myself before speaking to another - to anticipate their reactions and responses.

All of this seems far from normal.  I would thrash in the night, I would clench my teeth so hard that migraines would ensue for days.  I would have days of a full battle within myself to be able to get out of bed in the morning.  I would do everything to protect those in my life and I would also keep everyone that knew me at arms length.

Most of this seems far from normal.  These are realities of child sexual abuse, well child abuse in general.  Today I can happily say with hard work and determination of no longer being controlled by the abuse, the memories or his control - I am somewhat normal. Well kind of - I love adventure, will try anything once and I really don't care what anyone thinks.

But the reality is traumatic experiences change our lives forever.  Yes they make us who we are today, but they change our lives - for some they continue to force us to hide and remain hidden, they make us fear the world and everything around us.  But for some of us - its a challenge to continue to be more and more free, the challenge of taking on the world and living as loud and as bright as you  can.  

Why do I seem so normal??  Hours and hours of therapy, of hard work and determination, of failing and getting back up again and trying again - and living each and everyday helping those around me, wether it be a text, call, message, post or face to face connection.  

Normal is all relative - this is my normal, what is yours? And for those of you fighting your internal battle - relating to the childhood trauma or any other trauma...one step at a time.  Bit by bit...start there - in your mind and bit by bit you will find your normal.

"Being quiet and hidden, is no longer an option." - p.saum

Check out this article that was published about some level 3 sex offenders being released in Pierce County, WA - the county that I live in.

http://www.thenewstribune.com/news/local/crime/article111353232.html

​I have struggled since the release of Don (biological abusive father) with the State of Washington and their sex offender level process.  Don sexually, emotionally and physically abused us for a lot of years combined.  He was abusing my brother and I under the same roof and neither of us knew about each other and he was manipulative and abusive to my mother and we didn't know about her.

This to me is very calculated, violent and beyond words - but in this state it is beliveved that if you are abusive to a family member you are least likely to reoffend.  Read the bios of these level 3 offenders - compare to what I have told you about my biological father and the abuse that we all suffered at his hands...and tell me if any of it makes any sense.

Let's add to it, he was kicked out of treatment - for being a hinderance to the offenders that wanted to get better, he still stated that us kids wanted to be raped and asked for it and he was kicked out of treatment for stating he didn't do anything wrong.

He was released from prison...not only did he come out to all his retirement saved up, but he had to register for only 1 year. After that year of probation - he is "off the hook." Literally.

If abuse is happening in the home, secrets are being kept and manipulation is happening.  This is some of the most violent - calculated abuse there is.  Yes, he wasn't prosecuted for another situation of abuse, but it happened to one of my cousins...long story short, our classification system needs to be re-evaluated.  

Here are the definitions of the leveling from this site: 
http://www.co.pierce.wa.us/index.aspx?NID=2150

About Classification Levels 
When an offender is released from custody and placed back to the community, the Washington State Department of Corrections Community Protection Unit evaluates the offender. They determine the risk classification level for the offender. This evaluation is based on a complex scoring and review process. Community safety is a primary factor in the process. The classification levels basically have the following meanings: 

Level 1 
These offenders present the lowest possible risk to the community and their likelihood to re-offend is considered minimal. They normally have not exhibited predatory type characteristics and most have successfully participated or are participating in approved treatment programs. Many are first time offenders. 

Level 2 
These offenders present a moderate risk to the community and they have a higher likelihood of re-offending than the Level 1 offenders. They are considered a higher risk to re-offend, because of the nature of their previous crime(s) and lifestyle (drug and alcohol abuse and other criminal activity). Some have refused to participate or failed to complete approved treatment programs. 

Level 3 
These offenders pose a potential high risk to the community and are a threat to re-offend if provided the opportunity. Most have prior sex crime convictions as well as other criminal convictions. Their lifestyles and choices place them in this classification. Some have predatory characteristics and may seek out victims. They may have refused or failed to complete approved treatment programs. Fewer than three percent of all registered sex offenders in Pierce County are classified as Level 3 offenders.

​Please open my petition and sign to help Washington State make a decision to review our state offender laws and regulations...change needs to happen! Clic

Petition To State of Washington Legislature for Sex Offender Leveling

Tonight was a first for me.  As I thought back over the years, I have been to many of court rooms, lawyers offices, police offices and so forth, but I have never been to a jail to visit an inmate.

I walked in and checked in with the officer behind the glass.  For once I was early (doesn't happen often).  I received my badge and sat in the waiting area.  He said that they will call when they are ready to take "us" back.  There was no one there, besides he and I. 

There were ten blue chairs with a glass partition separating the waiting area and the metal detector that would need to be walked through shortly.  As I watched the minutes slowly tick away similar to watching sand drop down through a timer, a few more people would trickle through the door.  A grandmother and a grandson around 6 years old walked in, a young woman carrying a child and a 8 year old girl walking along her side.  Several others shuffled their way in to check in.  

Then at once the officer said "you can go up now". I had no idea what that meant.  I had never done this before, but I could tell everyone around me had.  So decided to follow the crowd, something I don't do that often. 

After exiting the metal detector we turned right down a very long hallway.  At the end of the hallway was an elevator.  We all shuffled our way in.  One child hit the "2M" button and the door shut and up we went.  

The elevator jolted to a stop and the door opened.  People filed out.  This was another long hallway with windows on one side and door along the right side.  Each of the doors had a number on them.  I realized that the badge I was wearing aligned with the numbers on the doors.  I watched as people opened doors and walked into their designated visiting closet.  That is what it looked like in side, a chair and counter on both sides of the glass.  No phones, just a part of the wall that had holes on both sides.  

I continued down to "2D4" and opened the door.  I was early, so I sat and waited.  I could see inmates walking by, some sitting on their bunks - a small view into their world.  

My brother then walked in.  He looks better than he has.  Discussing the project that will be released next week, memories of our childhood - something that we haven't ever talked about on the phone let alone face to face.  There are many more things to discuss.  Today was the beginning.  

Many years ago I wrote him a letter while he was incarcerated at Walla Walla.  He remembers one line - "You haven't been a part of our lives".  He says that drives him, that makes him want to do better, be better and change the outcome of his future.  

There is a hate deep in his heart - the abuse - the abuser.  Being stripped of his clothes and being beaten until he urinated blood.  This type of occurrence happening over and over again.  And these beating session are only one example of the abuse my brother suffered.

Imagine - this occurring in a home that is 1900 square feet - rambler...no levels to hide.  By someone so calculated, so manipulative, so violent - that 3 people under the same roof didn't know about the abuse of the other.  As I told him today, we were the best actor and actress on a stage - anywhere in the world.  There isn't anyone in the outside world that would have ever imagined.

As I looked through the glass at my thin, tattooed, shaved head brother, my heart ached.  My brother drives me crazy, says some terrible things to me and can be difficult to talk to and be around...but no one will ever convince me that the goings on in our childhood didn't impact his life in such way that it will forever be difficult to come back from.

A father - military educated officer - taking advantage of his position as a parent -
physically, sexually and emotionally destroying his young MALE SON.  This would impact the life of any man...for many many years.

Why write these words? Why share the hard stuff, because, as Glennon Doyle Melton says...“We know what the world wants from us. We know we must decide whether to stay small, quiet, and uncomplicated or allow ourselves to grow as big, loud, and complex as we were made to be.” 
― Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir

Being quiet and hidden, is no longer an option. - heart you all - P

I am excited about a project that I have been working on, that I will be able to share with you next week!  But in the mean time, let me share with you something that seems like it would be a no-brainer, but in reality - this is truly how it is.

Our offender, our US Army Officer - top security clearance - educated - degreed biological father...emotionally, sexually, and physically abused us.  He was in the US Army the entire time of the abuse and we finally were able to come out about the abuse after he retired from the US Army.

He was sentenced to 208 months (17 years) - served only 11 - all of which he was collecting his military retirement. He served his time on McNeil Island. We filed civil suits - mine was thrown out due to statue of limitations and my brother won his case.  The idea for the case was to assure that counseling and other expenses related to the abuse could be covered far into the future.  The civil suit judgement was awarded in 1996, in the amount of 5 million dollars.

Civil judgement expire after 10 years, unless you file the 1 extension that you are allowed for an extra 10 years.  This was done.  It is now coming up on the end of the final 10 years and not a dime has been paid, ":Why" you ask??

Because US Military retirements cannot be garnished for anything other than child support.  This means that US Military retirement is protected before, during and after the retirement funds are untouchable.  

Needless to say, in a few short months he is completely off the hook.  He is remarried and living his life - with a full retirement, no longer required by state law to register and able to continue his life - over 20 years of combined abuse - with lasting effects that still impact our lives today.

We will see nothing, we will continue like we do, taking care of ourselves to strive for the best lives that we can.  But beyond all of that - getting attention to get this changed so that other kids coming behind us - will be taken care of - no question.

It is time for a change, its time for laws to be changed - it is time!
#beseenbeheard

Most don't want to hear about child abuse.  Its hard.  The topic is hard, the reality words of the abuse are hard. Its hard.  But it is reality.  Reality can bite.  

I find myself stating a disclaimer before I share with people.  I am constantly scanning the horizon trying to be ahead of what someone might think or how they will take the reality of the abuse we endured.  I find myself prepping people, asking if they are ready to hear the real story, or do they want the shortened-easy to hear version.

I am constantly trying to protect those around me - not just the friends and family that are close to me, but to people that aren't even in my close circle.  The realities are hard.  

I let this sink in the past couple of weeks as I have told the stories with disclaimers over and over. During this sinking in time, I have decided that I can not control how anyone else takes the story, the words, the realities of child abuse - sexual, emotional, physical.  I have no control over others emotions or their ability to hear the truths that surround this story.

I will no longer let the story, the memories or the sharing of the events - to cause me to second guess discussing or sharing.  This is my truth, my reality...I can only hope that sharing this story would impact someone, somewhere...even if only one.

Being able to say 'I was raped by my father", "My biological father forced me to perform oral sex on him", "My biological father performed intercourse for the first time at a very young age," these statements are real, they are reality and they need to be spoken.  

Society makes these story somewhat taboo and we are getting better - but we have a long way to go.  The reality is - these stories happen daily.  Kids are being raped by people that are suppose to protect, them, love them and help them grow into successful adults.

This is the reality - a US Army Officer, Don, molested and raped his children - for most of their childhood years.  He was manipulative, calculated and violent. 

​Reality bites. #bethechange

I have recently been working on some projects where I have had to re-read some case files, look at photographs and dig deep into my soul to pull out the memory files of the brain.

No matter how many years go by, some memories are tucked neatly away and take a lot of energy to pull them out and rehash.  This isn't an easy feat.  No matter how many times I tell the story, I share the dark and dirty details, there are moments where the memories stir my soul and open my heart wide open.

I find that these moments are good for the soul, in some weird way.  Like exercising that tears down the muscles for you to only have to build them back up again, I find the same to be true for memories and sharing my story.  I find that each time that I share a piece of the story or the entire thing, that my heart  is opened up and rebuilt.  That my capacity to understand, to share and to love both myself and others, through either my breakdown or theirs - continues to get larger and stronger with more capacity.

And so I continue to share, to dig deep and to rebuild - as that process continues to help me be my fully authentic self. NAMASTE.
​

We are going on 23 years since our biological father had been prosecuted and sentenced to 208 months - pleading guilty to one of 3 charges of child rape.  He plead guilty to the charge of child rape in the 1st degree.  

It was highly recommended to us to agree to the plea bargain, the reason was a bit shocking.  We were told...agree to the plea of guilty and only to one charge - because the human mind cannot fathom this horrific abuse of children and the jury will have a hard time wrapping their heads around the accounts of the rape, the beatings the emotional abuse and he may not serve as much time as he did.

As I thought about this statement and what the lawyers were saying and the more people that I talked to, I found that this could very well be true.  No one wants to believe that someone could be so calcuated, so manipulative, so abusive - that three people were being abused under the same roof and one didn't know of the other.  

That a US Army officer could sexually abuse his children from infancy.  That he would penetrate and break the boundaries of childhood over and over again.  That these children were hostages in their own home by someone who was suppose to protect them, someone who is suppose to help these children grow up to be good citizens of their country and add value to the world.

Think about it.  If you saw a picture of a well educated, degreed man in a US Army uniform - would ever believe that he could do such harm?  Many couldn't.
So we agreed to the plea bargain - and we took what we could get.  The prosecutor recommended an exceptional sentence - this case was horrific and long - many many years of sexual, emotional and physical abuse.  That the mind games and solitary confinement was enough to change these kids forever - but the sexual abuse, the rape, the penetration at very young ages, the forcing of sodomy and many other sexual acts - that the beatings of the boy, till he peed blood, was too much. 

One psychiatric evaluation of the perpetrator stated the following, "It is my clinical judgment that he is not only not amenable to treatment in a group or at this agency, but that he may present an unacceptable risk to the community's children."

The prosecutor - fought to get the exceptional sentence and the judge agreed, "I do believe that this is an extreme case where the damage done to this family is absolutely irreparable...I am going to impose an exceptional sentence of 208 months."

it was over.  He was going to prison...of course, he was out 11 not 17.
And the story continues.

I was content with the 208 month sentence, although our lives were impacted forever, at the time it seemed okay.  Today, 208 months doesn't seem like it was long enough.  We need more judges and decisions like this one:
http://www.fox9.com/news/213209750-story
​

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